Home
< back | 0 - 10 |  
sunnyrays [userpic]

CANCER

November 13th, 2007 (04:03 pm)
bitchy

current mood: bitchy

Four doctor appointments after the grand discovery... I went to get my biopsy but there was so much junk in my apparently incredibly dense boobs they want me to get an MRI first...

My insurance is CONSIDERING paying for it. What is there to consider? Maybe the 2 grand I pay a year for the insurance? Maybe that's it...Maybe they are considering not charging so much for the majority of services I don't use - or maybe they are sending me to another doctor (co-pay) to tell me I need to go see another doctor (co-pay) to tell me I have to get a referral from my pcp (co-pay) to see this doctor (co-pay). This is fucking brilliant. All of this to tell me "Yes miss Bahn you are correct - you are far to rotten to have cancer." At least I hope...

This makes me think of Sara and all she has gone through... I hope I can only be so brave...

sunnyrays [userpic]

I'm a big girl

April 27th, 2007 (11:39 am)

So I got a new job, that came with status and a big fat raise. I'll be working as a project manager in our techy area. Should be fun, a lot of work, but at least I will be learning new things again. And yes that degree finally came in pretty handy.

I also bought a house, my first "all on my own huge mortgage what the fuck am I thinking" house. I think I'll feel pretty lonely in it, and the thought of that is energizing me in odd ways... I don't think I am going to look for a room mate right away.

It's funny with all this change I should be really excited, but I am nervous and frightened. I guess that is what makes change so good - making you step out of your comfort zone.

I wish I had love - isn't that just ridiculous? I feel so pathetic and needy to type this........ I'm trying to invest in myself more and more these days so the lack of a love life doesn't creep in and remind me how empty I feel.

ugh.

sunnyrays [userpic]

Creating Our Own Happiness - by Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips

February 28th, 2007 (02:56 pm)

This was on NPR Monday morning. Touched me........

I believe we have the power to create our own happiness. I believe the real magic in the world is done by humans. I believe normal life is extraordinary.
I was sitting in my car at a stoplight intersection listening to the radio. I was, I guess, lost in the moment, thinking how happy I was to be inside my nice warm car. It was cold and windy outside, and I thought, "Life is good."
Now, this was a long light. As I waited, I noticed two people huddled together at the bus stop. To my eyes, they looked uncomfortable; they looked cold and they looked poor. Their coats looked like they came from a thrift store. They weren't wearing stuff from The Gap. I knew it because I'd been there.
The couple seemed to be doing their best to keep warm. They were huddled together, and I thought to myself, "Oh, those poor people in that punishing wind."
But then I saw their faces. Yes, they were huddling, but they were also laughing. They looked to be sharing a good joke, and suddenly, instead of pitying them, I envied them. I thought, "Huh, what's so funny?" They didn't notice the wind. They weren't worried about their clothes. They weren't looking at my car thinking, "I wish I had that."
You know when a single moment feels like an hour? Well, in that moment, I realized I had assumed this couple needed my pity, but they didn't. I assumed things were all bad for them, but they weren't. And I understood we all have the power to make moments of happiness happen.
Now, maybe that's easy for me to say. I feel lucky to have fans around the world, a house with a roof and a wife who puts up with me. But I felt this way even when I was working at Long John Silver's. I worked there for 11 years as a fry cook. When you work at a place that long, you see teenagers coming in on their first dates; then they're married; then they're bringing in their kids. You witness whole sections of people's lives.
In the beginning, it seemed like a dead end job. But at least I had a job. And frankly, it was easy. After two weeks, I knew all I needed to know, and it freed my mind. The job allowed me to dream about what my life could become.
The first year I worked there, we got robbed. I lay on the floor. I thought I was going to die. I didn't think I stood a chance. But everything turned out all right. A lot of people look at life as a series of miserable tasks, but after that, I didn't.
I believe this is something all of us can do: Try to be happy within the context of the life we are actually living. Happiness is not a situation to be longed for or a convergence of lucky happenstance. Through the power of our own minds, we can help ourselves. This I believe.
 

sunnyrays [userpic]

(no subject)

February 23rd, 2007 (11:26 am)

I keep waking up with this same damn feeling every day. I wonder what it is? Is it depression? Do I need to forgive myself for all the fucked up mistakes I’ve made so I can finally start to move on with my life….

The Sean ordeal is pretty much tearing me in two. I can’t believe he is trying to screw me out of the house. It is amazing to me that I am dumbfounded by this situation. I should have known better. I would have never considered myself to be a naïve person. This is a great defining moment of my naiveté, that I can be too trusting, that I need to sit back and think things through more often.
I have to remember to trust my instinct. Knowing that it is my most inherent disposition I really must begin to rely on it more. Every time I ignore my instinct it comes around to haunt me. I have to start tailoring my reactions to my experience and not ignore that voice of dread inside of me. If something does not feel right I need to trust that and react accordingly.
I’ve been feeling so down lately, I can’t quite place it. Is it my failed relationships, my lack of a relationship, being 30 and feeling as though I have no direction… I want a family but I can’t even seem to find someone to love. I wonder if it is my fault for hardening my heart. Am I making it impossible to love someone by looking for some kind of perfection that doesn’t exist?
And why does sex have to be so important~ Why is that chemistry such a big part of my attraction to someone. I have dated so many people and could really like a few of them but for the sex. I think it just has to be there – you can’t really teach it, or work on it, or discover it with someone. It is either there – or not. So many people say you should just find someone who is a great friend that you can grow old with, someone you enjoy talking to… I have friends, I want someone who sparks my engine. Is that wrong? Am I being immature or a nympho…. Who knows.
The one thing I do know is I am tired of feeling like this all the time. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy, it seems when my brain slows down and starts to consider the life happening all around me is when I start to go a little nuts. Maybe I should go back to school – maybe working on my masters would take up enough of my time where I wouldn’t have time for this verbal vomit constantly exploding in my head.


sunnyrays [userpic]

(no subject)

September 6th, 2006 (04:13 pm)

For every one who as a child revolted not against the unjust anger of their adversaries, but let

the malice of their foes compile and reciprocate, instilling in them a sense of uprightness and

righteouss retribution; an unshakeable fortitude flowing from within that strengthens the spine

against cowardice and hatred and makes of the mind an immovable fortress; a recognition that every

storm is sensational -- that it changes the face of the land beneath a shroud of darkness,

delivering needful havoc and upheaval to lives that could not furnish it on their own -- and that

all storms will give way to new light, if you will just rally the courage to open your eyes.

sunnyrays [userpic]

A Better Place

August 31st, 2006 (04:46 pm)

Each day is filled with opportunities to make the world a better place. In any situation there are things you can do to make life more positive and fulfilling for everyone.

You may not always receive recognition for doing so, but that doesn't really matter. Because you, and everyone else, will still benefit from the positive contributions you make to the world.

When you are greeted with rudeness or indifference, give back genuine
courtesy, respect and understanding. Though it may seem more natural to be rude in return, that creates no value for anyone.

When someone hurts or disappoints you, find a way to respond with
forgiveness, kindness and peacefulness. Though you have experienced pain, take care not to prolong that pain.

Ironically, the best thing you can do for yourself is to move beyond your own selfish impulses and concerns. Seek to make the world a better place for everyone, and in so doing you'll discover the most effective ways to benefit your own life.

With your thoughts, your actions, your attitude and your spirit, you can make the world a better place, every day, in every situation. Get in the habit of doing just that, and you'll savor the rich rewards.

sunnyrays [userpic]

Insomnia

August 22nd, 2006 (01:55 pm)
groggy

current mood: groggy

Insomnia rules. It's at night, when perhaps we should be dreaming, that the mind is most clear, that we are most able to hold all our life in the palm of our skull.  I don't know if anyone has ever pointed out that great attraction of insomnia before, but it is so; the night seems to release a little more of our vast backward inheritance of instincts and feelings; as with the dawn, a little honey is allowed to ooze between the lips of the sandwich, a little of the stuff of dreams to drip into the waking mind. 

I wish I believed, as J. B. Priestley did, that consciousness continues after disembodiment or death, not forever, but for a long while.  Perhaps that's why some of us are insomniacs; night is so precious that it would be pusillanimous to sleep all through it!  A "bad night" is not always a bad thing.  There are a few things that totally relax me but they are not for polite conversation. I've been taking melatonin, it seems to work.

sunnyrays [userpic]

Camping

August 22nd, 2006 (01:44 pm)
bored

current mood: bored

center>

  

  

  

  




  

God I look tore up!

sunnyrays [userpic]

I love this one

August 7th, 2006 (04:32 pm)

http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/994/593/400/ravenous.jpg

sunnyrays [userpic]

(no subject)

July 17th, 2006 (12:07 pm)

Sometimes when I drink I get really poetic. Like if I can just string words together and conjure up a certain level of emotion in the receiver, my life's purpose will somehow be fulfilled. Other times, I'm just silly.



I've learned to be less harsh on myself these days. More loving. Forgiving, allowing, accepting. In turn, that's the way I've learned to treat others. All those extensions and mirrors of me. But that's only as far as I can see, and I know you all contain a universe within you. An elegant design of thoughts and experiences, of which I can only skim the surface.



There really is so much beauty in the world. When I stop for a moment, to think... to breathe, the truth floods in, and it sets me free.



For the record, I am not drunk at the moment. Just sitting at work, smiling, and reflecting on the sweetness of it all.



All hopes and connections click into place. Your dreams are in the making.

< back | 0 - 10 |